I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
