Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
