I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
