my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
