How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
