I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
