I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
