my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I think i got beer on your cat.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
