i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
