i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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