she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
