party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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