Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
