The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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