Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
