ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
