god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
