Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Randomize
