not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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