After last night, I could never be a politician.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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