This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
he fucked my hip out of place.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
