I was born with a shot glass in my hand
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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