who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
