it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I need water and some morals
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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