I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
