i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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