I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
It's never too late to be topless.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
