trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
