Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
