Ambien. No doubt about it.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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