she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
you had me at cake vodka
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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