this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
