New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
