So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
