My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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