John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
