When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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