I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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