If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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