Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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