It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
