also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
