I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
