she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
