i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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