I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
