I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
