Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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