I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I know her cup size but not her name....
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
