i think my tv is drunk
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
